


until there is no longer

by mourningafter (orphan_account)



Category: Smosh
Genre: Breakup, Love, M/M, Romance, Sad, Smosh Games - Freeform, and like prettier examples, damien haas - Freeform, i hope jenna cries, i tried super hard on this, i tried using big words, melodical, shaymien - Freeform, shayne topp - Freeform, smosh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:52:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15974612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mourningafter
Summary: they know it’s the end. the end of something that was once beautiful — but what is there you can really do?





	until there is no longer

**Author's Note:**

> this took me three days to write; it was very draining. being sad really inspired this one, so i was listening to mac miller and putting all my own emotions inside. enjoy :)
> 
> title is from dunno by mac miller.

honeysuckle tears are nothing compared to the storm that's rolling in. they're nothing compared to the disaster that is coming, slowly but surely, one that's going to make those honeysuckle tears look small and pitiful. the storm is going to rock him off his feet as he struggles to keep himself upright. it's going to destroy his happy feelings in his chest, the ones that fill his heart and make his head dizzy. it was all going to be ruined by the disastrous storm.

he knew this was coming. the downfall, the end to a thing that used to be beautiful. the epilogue to finish the story, the final cover falling on the last page. it was coming and he was ready but he also wasn't. he wanted the epilogue to drag on and never finish the final word, he wanted there to be no such thing as a final word. living in this world that they created has fulfilled him, made him stronger, and the end would only knock him over and make him lose everything he once had.

the apartment smelled like vanilla and sadness. he spent the whole time sitting on the couch after the other left, finding peace in the silence. he was alone all day, the tears falling down his face and the thoughts plaguing his head. it felt like he was upset over something that was so small and dumb, and that will only blow over eventually.

here came the bracing. in his head, he readied himself to have his heart broken. it was already slightly fractured, cracks littering the entirety, but now it would come to shattered pieces that he would end up stepping upon. the glass shards will get stuck in his feet as he cried even more honeysuckle tears and begged for whatever forgiveness he had to. it wasn't even his fault. it was the world's fault for pushing him into the creek with nothing to paddle back with.

his hands were shaking but at the same time, they weren't. he couldn't let this hit him so hard, it was just something that'd affect him for a few months before it was over. a few words can't shape his future but it could help lead him in the right way. the strings on his heart were tugging in all different ways, waiting for the cracks to become weaker so they could pull his heart apart.

taking a seat on the couch, he took a big breath and closed his eyes. he can do this, he will do this. his things are already packed in their room, ready for him to pick up and walk out with. his shoes were already slipped on and his eyes are way past red, they're so bright and neon that anyone looking at him would be blinded. as a last ditch effort, he quickly rubbed at his eyes, trying to get all the emotions out so he looked cold and dead when the time came for him to do this.

then, the front door opened and he jumped up. the weak feeling in his legs came on, and he was shaking even harder. his throat felt dry and his eyes stung again, a new wave of tears ready to be let loose. hand in the other, he held onto himself as he brought his eyes up to meet the other's, fear and anger and such sadness flowing freely through his veins.

his caramel colored eyes filled with tears as he tried to get the words out, but all he could do was shake and flick his eyes away, breaking down again when he saw the broken look on the other's face. it was like high school all over again. the heartache and heartbreak, the feeling of being useless and not being able to free your words in fear of hurting someone. but he needed this. he needed to tell the other how he was hurting and how much he needed out. he needed to spill his guts of all the depression and anxiety, let it crawl on the floor and fall through the wooden flooring. but for now he trained his eyes on a lamp beside the couch, a few tears slipping from his eyes.

it hurts when you realize that you don't affect someone as much as you thought you did. the way your voice sounds in the morning is only temporary and goes away, taking their love for it with them. the way you hold hands only means something in the moment, and your shared honey kisses mean absolutely nothing. all that matters is the warmth next to them at night and your company at the dinner table. it doesn't matter if you love them with your whole heart, it only matters if they can tolerate you for a while. that's what hurts the most.

caramel colored eyes and sky colored eyes don't blend well. they just stare at one another and they scream words that won't come out of their mouths. their bodies make no attempt to get closer to the other, and they keep their distance from across the living room. he can't stop crying, it feels like the honeysuckle tears turned into some straight bitter tears that only want revenge. he's struggling inside his head as his body shakes now, and he rubs at his eyes with fists to get the sadness away.

they stay like this for a few minutes. no words are spoken, only glances thrown at each other whenever the other looks away. the blue eyed boy finally moves from the threshold, walking into their shared apartment and setting his backpack down near their shoes. he slips his shoes off with a sigh, glancing back up to the other. the other boy is watching him intently, seeing what his next line of action will be. they're both moving so slow, their colors so opposite when they used to mesh together perfectly. their once beautiful sky they created was now a dark stormy sky with no hope left for either of them.

rain was falling between them, making the floor between them so muddy with fear and anticipation that they would eventually go sliding.

the flowers that grew in one's brain now wilted slowly, dead flower petals floating to the floor of wherever they stand, the stems slowly falling over and giving up. there was nothing to come from that flower anymore, it was now useless and worthless to them both, and that was for sure. there was no pollen to collect or love to spread anymore like there used to, and for that, they pitied one another.

so the one with the smaller height and sky blue eyes goes first, hurt and sadness stuck to his voice like something you can't quite shake, "you, uh, you said we needed to talk?"

the other only nodded his head, still wiping away at the tears that wouldn't give up. he couldn't believe how weak he was right now. he felt so vulnerable with red eyes and a red nose, tear stains on his cheeks like a scar. he could feel his body deflating with every breath, like everything was leaving him so fast and he could do nothing.

his voice, unlike the other's that just had hurt and sadness, was like a plain rainy day. it was soft and quiet, his words pouring on the pavement and spreading throughout the grass. they were light and airy; he was afraid. "y-yeah, we need to t-talk," he whispers, and boy, he wishes it really didn't have to come to a moment like this.

so together they sit down on the maroon couch they bought together at a walmart four years ago, and the taller melts. he falls straight into the blue eyed boy’s arms, his body shaking as more sobs ripped through him like a plague. he felt weak as he just laid there, gripping onto the person he was supposed to give up so tightly until he couldn't breathe. without him here, he was so gone, afraid, and alone. without the relaxing comfort of his lover, he was nothing but a pile of anxiety and worries, filled with doubt and everything else negative.

but together, it was if there were no such thing as stormy days, but just plain sunny days. it felt like walking on the clouds with no fear of falling to the solid ground and crushing under all the weight of the world. it was like falling in love all over again, but enjoying the fall, ready for someone to catch you in their arms and pull you in tightly, so you didn't even have to worry about letting go. and maybe, just maybe, that was what was hurting him the worst.

damien haas was a wreck. he was a beautifully constructed love note, the letters written perfect and the words chosen carefully — but the tears stains that made the ink run ruined them. he was a fluffy cloud in a sky full of blue, but inside him a storm raged on, not to be seen by the public eye. he was beautiful but broken so delicately, fragile to the touch, and it always seemed to be his downfall. the honeysuckle tears and broken words always played him the wrong way, and he would fall and break something along the way.

shayne topp was perfect beyond words. he was a love song with a catchy hook, always gone back to just to hear again. he was magnetic and always shone with positivity no matter how bad he was feeling on the inside. he never failed to make others laugh and smile, no matter how much he was hurting. he pushed all his negativity into a place where it could be forgotten in his chest, brushing it off every day.

together they were chaos, but a beautiful kind of chaos. like flowers growing where they shouldn’t and rain clouds coming but it never raining. they were chaos in the way they figured things out, their struggles, but beautiful when they worked together and shared their life with one another. beautiful but destructive in every single way there could be.

damien is clutching onto the boy with every ounce of strength he can muster up, his fingernails poking into the fabric of shayne’s favorite hoodie. he’s sinking, sinking into the feeling of shayne’s arms and the way he holds him, as if he’s the most safe and secure human ever. nothing can harm him in this moment, no one can ruin him yet. the tears that fall soak into shayne’s hoodie but at this moment he has no cares for his clothing or the way he feels, right now he’s purely focused on the way damien’s body is just falling into him, giving up with holding himself up for support.

the smaller held him closer and closer until they were practically a single entity on that couch. no one spoke, but shayne listened to damien’s sobs as he tried to figure things out in his head. he knew they would end, but not like this. he didn’t know they would end after four amazing years, now with a crying boy in his arms, begging to just let him go and be free. but even with the screaming in his head, telling him to let damien go, they’re over — it just makes him hold damien tighter, pull him closer, love him even more.

love, what a concept. it’s like holding onto something that you value more than everything, too scared to let it go. it’s like falling into oblivion, unsure of what to actually do. it’s uncertainty, it’s hurting, it’s living. it can break you into the smallest pieces the world has ever seen, or it can make you glow like a million lights at once. it makes you believe in the impossible and feel the best things in the world — but as soon as one person loses that interest, that spark, it’s all dull like plain brown eyes and hair.

everything just circles back around to each other, it’s impossible to avoid at this rate. the feeling of one boy losing himself to such sadness is just a pain shayne feels in his chest, tears caught in his throat as he struggles not to cry as well. his hands rub damien’s back gently, just in a reassuring manner to make sure that he knows, forever and always, there is someone in his corner ready to catch him.

they take an hour like this. clutching onto each other, trying to force their thoughts to come from their mouths — but nothing happens. they’re both silent as damien gets the hiccups from crying so hard, and his eyes ache and they’re sore. when he finally pulls away from shayne, the blond’s heart tugs so hard at the strings at the sight. his best friend, his boyfriend, his soon to be ex — was broken beyond repair.

his hair is a disheveled mess, and shayne notices that it’s greasy from not being washed and taken care of. his eyes are sunken in and puffy, super red from all the crying. there’s not life behind them, just despair and sadness hidden in the yellows and browns. his cheeks are a full blown tomato color, and his nose is as well. he’s broken and it’s not beautiful. damien haas is a wreck that just needs time and help to heal, not just some glue and tape.

shayne bites his lip and forces the tears down again, not wanting to play the victim here. neither of them was the bad guy or the victim, they were simply just young and afraid, falling out of love by accident. his heart aches for damien’s touch again. just a simple hand hold that’s just plain fingers or just the feeling of their knees touching under a table. he aches for it so bad.

the brunet sniffles, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “‘m sorry,” he whispers, the pain resurfacing in his voice. he feels like shutting down again, giving up and letting go of everything, but he doesn’t. “i’m so sorry.”

“don’t say that, damien. it’s not your fault and it’s never your fault,” shayne tells him, his eyes glistening as damien stares at him. a small smile overtakes his face. “it would never be your fault for feeling like this. never.”

damien chuckles. it’s not melodic and beautiful, like someone singing a beautiful love song. it’s raspy and he coughs a little, trying not to choke on his tears. it’s not surprising that even after a breakdown, after he gives up, that shayne is still there with helpful words and a gentle hand. falling out of love hurts, damien knows this much, but maybe they don’t have to keep falling out.

he finds his next words carefully. “i was going to, uh, break up with you. but i can’t,” he averts his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at shayne. “it hurts too much.”

the blue eyed boy falters, taking it in. so damien was going to break up with him? was he unhappy in this situation they have going on? was he in love with someone else? all these questions swirled his head as he tried to grasp at it. there was no way he was going to accuse damien of anything, but he was upset now that there was a chance they would end.

would. was. all past tense now, shayne realizes, and he reaches for his boyfriend’s hand. their fingers entangle and shayne tries to help damien stop shaking. “baby, baby,” he says softly, and damien continues to shake, “it’s okay. i’m not mad at you, i could never be. we will do what you want to do; even if that means taking a break, okay?”

“okay,” damien whimpers, nodding his head. how could he, someone who usually was so strong and thoughtful and smart, feel so weak and vulnerable now? he was truthfully broken over what would seem like nothing, but inside he was drowning in fears. but shayne, shayne was here. “i’m still sorry.”

shayne gives him another sad smile, one that’s reassuring and kind, but also clearly says he’s upset as well. and that’s okay. he has every right to be upset, this was a two person project. a relationship isn’t just one person’s issues forgotten, the other’s taken care of; it’s finding things out together and working through them. it’s laughing when you can and smiling at each other when the days are bright enough. it’s enough.

so softly, shayne pulls the boy back against his chest and repeats, “it’s okay. it’s okay — we’re okay,” over and over, his hand in damien’s hair while the other is wrapped around him.

 

* * *

 

the morning comes quicker than damien would prefer, but he can deal. his heart is heavy now, with no tears left in his system to let out. he’s hugging himself, his arms wrapped around himself as he just looks around their shared room.

sunlight pours in through the window that’s right next to their bed, spilling onto the blankets and then the wooden floor. it looks like honey, how yellow it is, and damien wants to soak it all up and just take it for himself. his luggage that he packed yesterday is still sitting by the bedroom door, forgotten of last night because he caved and didn’t follow through. how could he get that out when he was so broken, so dead, so unhappy with everything? he was breaking but now it was just less and less.

the body next to him stirred slightly before he turned around and fell back asleep. a shiver went through damien, making him close his eyes and take a deep breath. he can do anything, he promised he would let go of this relationship. he would escape the sinking feeling in his stomach and the hurt that swam around in his head. he was on his final thread and it was time to let it go.

quietly, he slips out of bed, not making any move to wake shayne up. he looked peaceful — his mouth hanging open slightly and his legs bent to his stomach. it tugged at damien’s heart that this was it, this was final — but it was time.

he didn’t say anything, but his body gravitated to his luggage. his arm looped through backpack straps, his fingers gripping onto a suitcase handle. this was it. and he couldn’t stop saying this to himself in this moment, because this was final.

there would be no more late night talks with the boy. no more shared kisses in the comfort of their room, the kind that made reassurance shoot into his veins and enter his head. there would be no more dancing in the kitchen at night, soft music playing and the sound of cicadas outside their window entering his ears. there would be no more waking up beside shayne and remembering how lucky he was to have someone like that in his life. they were done for, and there was no fixing it, even if they thought it was possible.

the journey outside and down the stairs of the apartment were a blur. he walked too fast and his shoes hit the pavement too quickly, the slap hitting his ears and pissing him off. with each step the pain got worse until he finally reached his car. without hesitating, he threw everything in the backseat and slid into the front.

there was something about the silence that made him so anxious. there was nothing there to reassure him or hold him so he didn’t break down. there was nothing else to focus on in the moment, just him and getting away for now. driving away from his problems and going to find a new place to put all his problems into.

he started up the car, the engine not sounding great — but at least it would work. he backed out of the parking lot and into the road, focusing only on getting to where he needed to go in the time limit he had before shayne woke up and realized he was gone, and for good, he supposes.

the drive is silent. it’s excruciating and nice at the same time. beautifully chaotic. like damien and shayne, an old love story that was finally reaching the end page.

the house he pulls up to already looks like home, already feels like home. he clambers out, feeling the need to hurry as if the owner was going to disappear right there and then. he clumsily went up the steps and reached the front door, pulling his hand back and knocking on the wood.

after a minute of waiting and looking around, the door finally opens to reveal ericka bozeman in all her glory. she’s rubbing sleep out of her eyes before she realizes damien is standing on her doorstep. “damien! what, oh god,” she says, and she pulls him inside, shutting the door harshly.

just because it’s the end page doesn’t mean there can’t be a sequel to the story.

**Author's Note:**

> this will have a part two — don’t want to leave this on just a cliffhanger :)


End file.
